Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. 'What's the story this time, Jones?' he asked sarcastically. 'Let's hear a good excuse for a change.' Jones sighed, 'Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes.' 'You'll have to do better than that, Jones,' said the boss, obviously disappointed. 'No woman can get ready in ten minutes.'
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said 'yes'. The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! 'Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny...' After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal. 'Oh', she said, 'I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was.'
I admit this is a cruel joke hahhah
The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, 'Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...' A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, 'I guess you'd be eating alone, sir.'
A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: 'For Women Only'. Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. 'We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside.' So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: 'All the men on this floor are short and plain.' The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: 'All the men here are short and handsome.' Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: 'All the men here are tall and plain.' They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: 'All the men here are tall and handsome.' The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: 'There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.'
A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales. 'Why Bloomingdales?' asked the rabbi. 'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.'
A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, 'Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?' A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, 'It's my dog. Why?' 'Well,' squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, 'I believe my dog just killed it, sir.' 'What?' roared the big man in disbelief. 'What in the hell kind of dog do you have?' 'Sir,' answered the little man, 'it's a little four week old female puppy.' 'Bull!' roared the biker, 'how could your puppy kill my Doberman?' 'It appears that your dog choked on her, sir.'
Person turns on the computer without a keyboard plugged in. When she turns on the computer, the computer finds out that there is no keyboard attached and it gives a 'Keyboard Error' message. She then asks 'Why did it give me a keyboard error? There isn't even a keyboard attached?
Two guys rob a store, they burst out the door running as they hear the sirens of cop cars coming closer. The two dive into two separate bushes hoping they won't get caught. Soon the cop cars stop near the bushes and the two robbers hearing foot steps grow more nervous. A cop then grabs one of the guys out the bush laughing 'Busted'. As he drags the robber off he looks back shaking his head in shame... 'Come on John!!!!!!!!' he screams 'They got US!'
A popular airline recently introduced a special half rate fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting great feedback, the company sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, 'What trip?'
The new Indian employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. 'Need some help?' a secretary, walking by, asked. 'Yes,' he replied, 'how does this thing work?' 'Simple,' she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder. 'Thanks, but where do the copies come out?'
An eight-year-old boy went into a grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. 'Oh, no laundry,' the boy said, 'I'm going to wash my dog.' 'But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog,' said the grocer. 'It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.' But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it. A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. 'Oh, he died,' the boy said. The grocer said he was sorry, but added, 'I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.' 'Well, the boy replied, 'I don't think it was the detergent that killed him.' 'Oh? What was it then?' 'I think it was the spin cycle!'
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, 'Get me a beer before it starts.' The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, 'Get me another beer before it starts.' She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, 'Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute.' The wife is furious. She yells at him 'Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ...' The man sighs and says, 'It's started ...'
A well dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, 'Sir, can you tell me the time?' The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, 'It is a quarter to three, young man.' 'Thanks,' said the boy. 'At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ass.' With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him. 'Why are you running like this at your age?' asked the friend. Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, 'That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!' 'So what's your hurry,' said the friend. 'You still have ten minutes.'
